3/28/20

Dear Future,

Here are a couple of scenes from the past month that I feel will live in our memories for a while, if not, forever. 

Scene 1

Static phasing in and out. The world is ending, and I am buzzed People dressed to the nines              

   – well as close to the nines as college kids can be. 

I am  clothed in my little black dress.The one I wore to both of our cousins’ weddings The last time the world felt like it was about to end.

– well my world anyway.

This dress is now worn on a global scale

I am buzzed in the corner  Watching my frisbee teammates bounce balls as white as their eyes on the table that has sat longer in this mod then  some of us have sat in college classes.

My eyes follow the tiny moons that scatter between the two edges   Ping

Ping

pink

pong

Sploosh!

Spheres drown in basins of red. I watch as one by one these cups are emptied gulped down by my teammates 

 The room is full of their presents 

The laughter of Dog,

The flash of teeth from the Philosopher who told the joke,

The historical accuracy of the character  Royal plays ,

The sparkles of Snake,

The competitive banter between Polar and  Penguin ,

Turtle and Bee fuse in the stairwell, 

attempting to find ways to not let the end of the world kill their flame,

Peridot hangs with them.

And I, I stand there  

Doing as I always do  

Take it all in

It’s the end of the world as we know it

It’s the end of the world as we know it

          Plays through the speakers.

And I take it all in. This is a party A party full of people that I could consider family if I allowed myself to. I am overwhelmed by gratitude. An emotion made heavier by the vodka in my  stomach.  In this home, there is everything that I ever wanted  And these people are so full of beauty. A beauty that I have always craved. They are so beautiful, I could cry.

I don’t of course. 

  A thought floats in

 “This will probably be  the last time 

I will ever be in a room full of this energy”

It’s the end of the world as we know it

It’s the end of the world as we know it

The very last time.

It’s the end of the world as we know it

It’s the end of the world as we know it

I brush the thought away

as if it were only a puff of cigarette

someone rudely blew in my direction.  

It’s the end of the world as we know it

It’s the end of the world as we know it

And I feel fine.

  Scene 2

      Clean

   I clean the mod from top to bottom, 

   a checklist of to-dos

  This is what it seems I always do

  When I feel like there is nothing else I can do

             Clean.

  It is the only control I  have

 The only thing I can gain enough control in my body to do

 When it feels as though I have no control over what my body does

Clean 

 On the days when my body is so weighed down by depression

 Yet zested with anxiety

 A mindset that sets me in a state of isolated movement 

Containment of electricity in the smallest of black boxes 

The same ones pilots use to scream may day in

Clean

In the moments when too many thoughts begin

to construct real estate in my brain, the skyline

polluted by buildings that beg to be finished 

If I can get my space in order then I can get my mind in order

 

 

 Clean  

 And as I have learned, in periods of history I thought I’d never live 

 through. A disruption to any present I thought I saw myself in

 Making it  

 Clean 

 Daily commutes to Amherst and Hadly, the promise of conferences 

meeting people like me, 14-hour van trip south, and back north again 

hunting for mushrooms on the beach, Photo excursions with Dog, 

Tea parties with May,  getting drunk off my ass with Turtle, the whisper of,

of possible summer internships abroad with two of my best friends

from our high school days, Life of a social lite, finally, 

the world starting to make sense, finally a world I want to live in.

I wash those anticipations away.

My thought process now not of lavish futures that I could live 

But of the next steps I knew I  had to take

Bathrooms 

                  scrubbed 

                                  Bedroom 

                                                Packed

                                                                   Kitchen 

                                                                                Gutted 

                    The life I thought I got to live

Cleaned.

Scene 3

This scene happened on the edge of this month and last. The first time I  invited a person to spend a night in my room. Yes, I have had  invites to rooms only feet from my doorway. Excursions during thunderstorms in the back of my car. Moments on the dance floor that felt as they could last forever. But never had I had someone come to the place where I slumbered. 

The lucky person:

The boy I want to interview 

We have been off and on flirting for over a year 

(I am very curious if you are still in touch with him?) 

He is probably one of the strangest strangers I have ever met: in the very best ways 

(unless you have happened to meet someone stranger at this point?) 

We met in a makeshift nightclub set up in a knights of columbus after I  decided to explore a dark alleyway and ignored a sign that said “do not enter”

From there, between finals season, travel in and out of the country, and road trips, we. share these moments  

1. I interviewed him for a class project, followed by ice cream and radical conversation about strange dreams and theories in the bridge. My friends Lady and Bee fail at taking sneaky pictures of both of us together. I end the night by making a move as he walked me back to my mod by saying “does holding hands help us ward off the goat man?” It worked. 

  2. A picnic in a treehouse that I found by accident in the  Hampshire woods.  I ended up getting us lost. At night,my drunken feet have no trouble navigating these woods yet sober me  seems to see this as a struggle. When him and I finally got out we allowed magic dice to choose our next activity. The numbers landed on American horror story in the kiva, I  ended that one by asking him to kiss me, that also worked.

3. After an honestly quite depressing conversation with Lady about how she and I were spending that night very much alone, I decided to take a gamble and dial him up to see if he was available. Free he be, and the two of us went on a spree, a moment’s notice trip to a diner about an hour or so outside of town. There he and I shared a milkshake and spoke about our families. He told me how he thought his mother was one of the most beautiful women in the universe, this made my heart fall for him more. He and I sat there talking and sipping till a little past the midnight hour. On the way home, I decide to mention that my seats go down in the back and that I could use some practice in the kissing department. The next thing I know we are parked in a lot at UMass, our only company being the rain that decided to rat a ta to the tune of our breathing.

4. I follow accordaniates that he sent me to a location that was supposed to have a restaurant at it. It was not one restaurant but many. It took a while to find the one he was talking about and him, but I ended up doing so. When he and I finally made it to the restaurant it was a 60-minute wait to get in so we went to get ice cream first. Shared a scoop of cookies and cream, vegan, something I had been a little hesitant to tell him because I  hate the idea of being an inconvenience, but he didn’t care, how special that made me feel. We were on our way back when the little device the restaurant gave us to indicate that a table was ready started buzzzzzzzzingggggg. The box must have served as an alarm clock for the clouds because just as it rang it began to rain. We sprinted, the drops drenching, and our laughter surrounding every step we took. When we finally got to the restaurant, the hostess tried to hide a look that sang for us not to be let in but she had already reserved the table so there was no turning back now. We both ordered salads and split a plate of buffalo cauliflower wings, spoke about the places we had traveled, the things we had seen the last six months we had spent apart. We ended that night at an overpriced bowling alley giving good luck smooches between each play. I felt terrible for the couple that shared the lane with us, but not bad enough to stop.

5. I got to meet some of his friends in town, it was totally by accident. I  met him for tacos, they were getting thai . He spotted them through a window and danced like a monkey to gain their attention, they returned the motions back once they recognized their friend.It was one of those perfect timing meetings where they had just paid the bill. They sprang out of the restaurant, arms spread wide to give their friend a long awaited hug (as I’m sure you remember, they hadn’t seen each other for a month or so)  He introduced us to each other.  I don’t think he gave me a title, just referred to me by name. I clearly don’t care that much, we ( him and I) have never put a name to this relationship, have never once talked about it either (have you talked about it yet?) We just happened, all this just happens. 

And then this sixth time. 

I invited him over to our place 

Sneaking him in through the backdoor a little before midnight.

I tried to make us vegan strawberry ice cream using the tiny food processor that mum

had just gotten me for christmas

The strawberries were frozen solid and I didn’t want to wake my modmates with the obnoxious klacking of the metal blades on frozen berries, so I had the genius idea to pan fry the strawberries  first, try to soften them up a bit.

This, though in the plainest of logic makes sense

       Ice + Heat = Melt 

As I write about it now it must of felt quite ridiculous

 of a scene not only to see, but to be apart of

He never said anything. 

(Do you think this was actually weird to him, 

Or do you think he perceived it as logical?)

The so called 

Ice cream turned into a slush

He was even more excited for it then. 

(How do you think he is able to keep such a positive attitude

all the time?)

We tidied then turned up to my room for the night.

We decided on something to watch on netflix

Thanks to my successful career as a nanny

I had recently been hooked on to Green eggs and Ham

A cartoon based off the Dr.Seuss book

He said it sounded riveting 

(Do you think he said this out of truth, or 

 Out of the fact that we were in my bed?)

We watched 1…

                          Maybe….

                                             2 episodes 

     By episode 3 the colors that danced so frantically across the screen 

became static  Nothing but muffled background noise.

We were so close.

We were together.

We were one. 

I had not held someone in this romantic fashion since our freshman year. 

And unlike our freshman year, there was no pain

                                                                                  

Only pleasure. 

It felt as though nothing could come between the two of us.

Oh if I only knew what was coming

Future , I can not help but question that if I knew this would be the possible last time would I have held him tighter? Would I be more direct with what I wanted? Would I have dug to be closer to his chest,  closer to his heart, closer to the parts of that gave the boy I want to interview life, give thanks to each breath I counted, a gift the universe has given? 

Scene 4

I feel his breath.

Noah’s, my little yorkie terrier 

He is curled up against my stomach, fast asleep.

A little creature who, in dog year, is 41 years my senior. (how old is he when you are reading this?) 

I feel his breath 

He is asleep, not only in this moment but to the world at large.

The biggest mystery in his life 

Is why his humans are home all of the sudden 

Including this one. 

Who in the past 4 years (28 in dog years) has not been home more then 3 months at a time, and even during those times she was not really home at all.

Future, do I break this record?

Has the world actually ended?

Do I still feel fine? 

I believe that is all for now,

I will write again soon 

I promise,

Past.