To June 2015 Avalon 

There is so much I want to say to you but I don’t even know how to approach it ‘cuz the person writing this could not be more different than the one reading it. As you’re reading this, I think it’s like 5am and you’re in the presurgical staging area waiting to go into brain surgery. The procedure solves a lot of your problems. The surgery itself is fucking crazy- it was like 11 hours long and there were plenty of complications. You’ll take a long time to recover, mainly because you look like a loser wearing that neck brace, but it’s a convenient ice breaker that provided cute conversation with someone named Frank. You met Frank two hours into your journey at Hampshire and Frank stays relevant, you’ve been dating him for almost 5 years now.  

On day one of orientation, your orientation leaders have you write a letter to yourself that they will then return to you at the end of the school year. I conveniently still have that letter, but I’m a little pissed at you tbh because you gave me so little to work with. Come on can you please try a little harder to write something meaningful? This letter was so boring and is a shining example of how 2015 you was so restrained by anxiety. But regardless, you continue this tradition for the next two years and luckily those letters are much better written. 

This first letter reads as a diary entry, sort of an itemized list of all your anxieties.  The most notable point addressed in your letter is your concern as to whether Hampshire is for you since you changed your focus from zoology to hard sciences/ pre health. I can’t answer whether Hampshire was the right choice. I still love Hampshire and got out of it exactly what I wanted. But, 5 years later, several schools won’t take your transcript because it’s literally 19 pages long. So in that sense, it’s a bit of a hindrance. Also, the laxity in Hampshire’s academic structure just reinforces your existing fear of failure and further weakens your almost non-existent test taking skills. Not having tests meant you never really failed and you need to fail. I’m begging you to put yourself out there more. Take that intimidating UMass class instead of taking it at Hamp. You are ruled by your anxiety and until you change your meds (and get over your coke addiction) you will continue to be an anxious nightmare. Maybe it was the coke, maybe it was the anxiety, but your first year came and went and you enter your second year without much meaningful growth.

This might come as a shock, but right before you enter second year, you quit your job at the zoo. And you’re happy about it. You watched the zoo go down a bad path and the management was horrific. That patas monkey escaping kinda sealed the deal. Dizzy the monkey escaping made national news and ugly pics of you staring up in the trees were in countless articles. You spent hours in the forest looking for that monkey. He eventually was caught safely, but afterwards there was a mass exodus of all the original employees including you. Leaving the zoo forced you to find a new aspect of your identity and you filled that void with science at Hampshire. 

You get heavily involved in the school of Natural Science (NS), you do independent studies, get grants, TA, and mentor students. Your deep involvement in NS is when you realize that Hampshire is where you are supposed to be. You form deep connections with faculty and your peers in the lab. I still miss it. The freedom of working in the lab and the constant collaboration is so fulfilling and fun. Enjoy it while it lasts. The Second “future self” letter you write on 9/4/16  contained several questions:

1. “Am I an EMT yet?”- nope. You never end up doing the EMT course and instead you become a CNA after graduation. 
2. “Can I juggle yet”- Hell yeah you can and you’re really good at it. What a weird thing to ask.
3. “Have I had tethered cord surgery yet”- No, but you get it during your third year, second semester. I had to take a month off during the semester, and if it wasn’t for the flexibility of Hampshire’s class structure and the strong relationships I had with my professors, I wouldn’t have been able to graduate on time. 
4. “Can I drive on the highway yet?”- YES you get over your driving anxiety and I’m so proud of you. A lot of the anxiety came from your drug abuse and aggressive eating disorder, which you resolve in your third year. 

Third year represents an important turning point in your career and you find your niche , especially within NS. You get involved with everything possible, you’re on hiring committees, search committees,  you even get on CCFRAP-the reappointment committee. Your third year at Hamp is a prime example of how Hampshire is filled with opportunities unique to the school. Your third year “future self” letter is my favorite: you mention your passion for your research, uncertainty about your relationship with Frank, you write out a list of the classes you hope to get into this year, and you address the fact that your eating disorder is getting really severe.  

To address these concerns: 

-Yeah, you do continue the mast cell research you began in Sept 2017 and that eventually becomes your Div III. Everyone told you your interests would change, so fuck them I guess. Beginning your Div research so early proves to be a major advantage. 

-Yes, you and Frank are still together. But he leaves Hampshire and goes back to NH. That distance forces a lot of growth, and the growing pains are, at times, unbearable, but eventually resolve. You finally surrender your desperate need for control, and he becomes a more functional  adult.  

– You do get into most of your classes but it’s a fight. That psych class you take on a whim ends up being a prerequisite for most of the programs you apply to, so good job on that one. 

–  And yes you eventually get help for your eating disorder and thank god you did. 

Early December 2017, you go to a molecular biology conference to present a poster you worked on. You became very manic on that trip and everything got super intense.  You took the train down to Philly with your classmates  and stayed in a really nice hotel next to the convention center. You had a blast and learned a lot. Trolling around the convention center floor with your classmates, collecting free swag, and meeting new people is one of your favorite memories. But you can never let yourself enjoy anything for too long. The nagging thoughts constantly circling your mind, reminding you of your shortcomings became so prominent. You were (and honestly, still are) your own worst enemy and your mercurial nature doesnt do you any favors. This was really when you realized you were bipolar; you went from your highest high, to your lowest low. The next thing you knew, you were out next to the convention center dumpster buying “homemade vodka” from some man with one eye. You sat by that dumpster for almost an hour and worked up the courage you needed to kill yourself in the private bathroom in the convention center. 

During the journey from the dumpster to the bathroom, you unexpectedly run into one of your advisors . He didn’t seem to notice how despondent you looked.  He alerts you to some cell signaling panel that was happening in the room next door and that it “sounds really interesting,” You agreed and were about to toss out some vague conversation ender and continue on your way when he said “I’m glad you’re all here ”. He continued “I like taking students to these things, besides it a good opportunity to find us a new Drummond”. This exchange completely disarms you and almost immediately sobers you up. This renewed lucidity allows you to act with more sense. You go to that cell signaling panel. It bores you outta your skull. But it was a dark quiet room and was weirdly meditative. 

After sharing some of what happened with your classmates, they are immensely supportive and it provided you with some accountability to keep yourself safe for the rest of the trip. The final few days were very uneventful and went as planned. Then you went home, got a great therapist, and realized a large part of the problem was the combination of an eating disorder and untreated bipolar disorder. Thank god you didnt kill yourself it probably would have ruined the trip for the others. 

That trip really felt like my rebirth- which is why talking to You feels so foreign. I dont recognize my “pre-Philly” self. You leave so much behind at that dumpster.  Your style changed. Your appearance changed. Your friend group changed.

Sadly you didn’t write a letter at the beginning of Div III, which is too bad, because div III was the best year by far. You enjoy the light course load and are always ahead on your lab work. I wish all four years of college felt like your last year. You spend all day in Cole, working in the lab, taking classes, TAing, then you’d get stoned in the greenhouse and go watch movies in Blair’s room. I still miss it. There are some notable hiccups during Div III. In your third year, after your trip to Philly, you have a huge back surgery- you miss a whole month of school and when you come back you are super limited physically and dont take care of yourself. You get too caught up with school work and neglect the fact that you’re still healing from surgery. You’re in pain all the time and start misusing opiates. Once again you find yourself sweating, standing in the bathroom of Cole with crazy looking pupils and realize you’re hooked on yet another drug. You told no one about this problem and recovery was messy; it’s a miracle this didn’t affect the quality of your div too severely, considering there were several times you could barely stand up because you’re so deep in your withdrawals. Thank god you sought help, I’m still proud of you for pushing through that. 

The rest of Div III ran smoothly. . Same thing most days: lab work, TA, committee meetings, extra curriculars, smoke weed. Rinse and repeat until you walk across the stage. The transition out of college was shockingly smooth too. You prepared yourself well and leaving that Hampshire Bubble wasn’t hard for you. 

As of right now you STILL live in Western Mass. Get out of here. You know what you do for work right now? You work at Soule Road. You work in your childhood elementary school as a glorified hall monitor. Every morning you exchange empty pleasantries with your former fourth grade teacher and stare at a mural you painted in third grade. Make plans to get out of this town please, because the global pandemic you’re running toward makes it hard to get out here. 

All things considered, you’re still happy. I like going to work, making decent money then coming home to a person I love. You have a nice family and like your friends. So I guess even if you read this and heed none of my words you’ll still end up fine. All these ridiculous stories certainly make for entertaining party banter. But do us all a favor, and stay outta trouble.