Margo Kinney-Petrucha

Dear 19-year-old Margo,

I mean, let’s be honest, the “liberal arts experience” was really the only path for you, and you know that. You couldn’t stay at Northeastern, take the secure path and lose the chance to explore all your little curiosities. And that drives you crazy. There’s so much you’re going to learn about yourself, things you’ll realize you can’t control, and that’s going to drive even crazier. Sometimes you’ll find peace, for a moment at least, and you’ll feel a sense of calmness in your lack of control over everything. But most of the time, it will toture you. Over and over you’ll be slapped in the face by the reality that you can’t control your feelings no matter how hard you try and it’s going to hurt every single time. And it never feels like it’s getting any better, even though it is. It’s just slow. It’s like being knocked over by big waves. Sure, you can get better at swimming, but you will never be stronger than the ocean. You’re tiny and weak compared to all that, and you can kick and scream all you want but it won’t change anything. Your anxiety. Your allergies. Your anti-socialness. Your paranoia. Your ADD. Your dermatillomania. Your love of art and writing and paths that will never be secure. Your anger. Your fear. Your sadness. Your impatience. It’s a lot. I remember it all very clearly. It’s a lot, isn’t it? And it isn’t going away.

So what do we do? First, we breathe. Stop picking or fiddling for a moment. Then, ask yourself what’s wrong. Try to be nice, don’t be accusatory. If you’re too mad to be nice, take a step back and breathe for a little while longer. You need to talk to yourself like you’re a child. “But I’m not a child.” That doesn’t matter. You don’t need to put high expectations on yourself right now. You’re just talking and navigating your feelings. You don’t need to be harsh or forceful. It doesn’t need to happen quickly. You have more than enough time. You’re in a safe place. This is all you need to focus on. Trust that you’ll be able to complete any other tasks when you’re done here, this won’t take up all your energy, you don’t need to think about anything else. The time for other things will come. For now, it’s time to breathe. If thoughts bubble up, you don’t need to force them away, talk to them too. Everything happening in your mind and body is trying to tell you something, alert you to something to try to protect you. It loves you. It hurts you, yeah, so it’s hard to believe it loves you, but it does. It just doesn’t know how you need to be loved. It’s loving you the best way it knows how. And yes, it is you and you are it. It’s frustrating because you know you’re hurting yourself, but you can’t change those habits overnight. They’re carved deep. It’s going to take time and kindness to undo a lot of what you’ve learned. “Why should I be kind to myself if I’m hurting myself?” It’s a circle. You do not have a choice. It’s not a relationship where you can cut the person off. It’s you. And you can fix your relationship with yourself. I know you’d rather try to cut yourself off, act like all the habits that hurt you are outside of you and if you push hard enough, they’ll go away. But through all the pain and toxicity they cause you, there’s a lot of love there. Anger and love. You can learn to be kind, but you need to give yourself time. That’s a big step, being kind enough to allow yourself the time to change. And you’ll get frustrated a lot, but that doesn’t mean you’re back to square one. Keep breathing. Try again. Try over and over. I’m still trying to this day. And sometimes it drives me up a wall. But you know what? I’m so, so much better. I will never be perfect. I will never feel the same way twice. I am processing the same shit over and over but it is getting clearer. You might not see that for a while, but I see it. I promise you, you’re going to get here in one piece. The pain will not kill you. It is all worth it. Breathe.

Okay, let’s get technical: Therapy helped a lot better than meds. You love writing. Your impatience sometimes convinces you that you don’t, but you do. You also love science and math! There’s so many cool things to do at college. I mean sure, you’re in a tiny bubble, but you really learn a lot. And getting that degree will really help you with employment later on. And yes, having job security is important. Forget those stupid media internships, working for media companies is dull and thankless. “But I love media studies.” Ew. No you don’t. You don’t even watch movies voluntarily. And when you do you, stare at your phone the whole time. Again, you love writing. Especially writing plays. “But theatre is corny and annoying.” It doesn’t have to be. And it’s not a lot of the time, John Bechtold just sort of ruined your whole view on it. Theatre isn’t this fantastical life changing important thing, it’s just theatre. It’s fun. People like it. You don’t even have to work in theatre after college, it can be a hobby and you can be happy with that. Like, actually. Let me say that again. You can be happy with that. And if you do work in theatre, you don’t have to be friends with theatre kids, you know. You never clicked with them. You can just work with them and make different friends. Oh, friendship. You’ve had a hard time with that. You’re at this weird age where you’re becoming a lot more empathetic, and the weight of other people’s baggage is a lot. Especially since you’re going through your own mental shit. But we’re getting through the shit. We’re learning how to love other people, too. If you think loving yourself is hard, oh lordy, try loving other people. Honestly, I don’t have much advice in that realm right now, still sort of working on that. But it’s all connected, of course. And you’re pushing forward, inch by inch. Everything is moving all at once in the right direction. I promise it is. Don’t ever give up. You’re doing amazing. Pinky swear.

❤ 23-year-old Margo

Has it only been 4 years? Wow.